Saturday night’s losers: X Factor viewers

The tragic contestant of Saturday night's X Factor
Laura White: The tragic contestant of Saturday night

By Magnus Huntly-Grant & Euan Black

Furore continues over the eviction of Laura White from Saturday’s X-Factor programme.

The anger and revulsion felt across the nation is just a natural response to the long line of televisual aberations which lead the discerning viewer to question the integrity of those on the other side of the camera. Brand and Ross, vote fixing, where will it end? the only problem is that the country’s viewers are not unitised, the only protest we can profer is simply not watching. But, really, not watch X-Factor? Too ridiculous for words.

In times of crises such as these people need a finger to point, someone to blame for a twist so cruel. Poor Cheryl Cole was too angry for words. Cries of ‘Fix’ and various conspiracy speculation abound. Laura’s rumoured dalliance with one of the shows executives, Matthew Firsht, possibly callled into question as a potential motive for her untimely offing.

But maybe things are more straight forward than that, maybe the scam is no secret, calls of a fix are

Cheryl during happier times
Cheryl during happier times

probably erroneous, after all, the votes are regulated by external bodies and Cowell et al understand that the public will to some extent make the next X-Factor  elect someone who’s records they will buy but the eviction format provides a framework by which Cowell does retain the ultimate editorial veto. In this case the expedient move for him was to get rid of Laura, and no one dares question the marketing genius of Simon Cowell. except that in this case they do.

Proliferated by every imaginable form of media; blogs, forums, news and now it has rightly permeated our government, as Andy Burnham, the Culture Secretary, said in a discussion about the television during commons question time this week: “MP’s should resist that temptation to comment on editorial matters”

And then confusingly: “Although, the temptation is great in my case, having seen the wonderful and talented Laura White very harshly voted off X-Factor on Saturday.”

But most confusing of all was his negligence in forgetting to call for a parliamentry enquiry.

As enlightened viewers, you may feel like taking up the cause, in which case follow this link to sign the petition for her re-instatement. Sitting at a mere 14000 signatures at time of writing.

The performance, now being hailed as possibly the greatest performance by any living creature EVER, arguably lacked credibility in itself. Laura proudly explained that she would be playing piano and so she duly did but halfway through the song she stood up and the piano miraculously continued of its own volition.

Ultimately, sad piano music and ear jerking back stories may invoke viewers to vote in droves but wont necessarily sell records and if  you are willing to participate in the utterly tasteless charade which allows for otherwise right thinking people (in most cases) to peddle the death of loved ones in the interests of buying that most valuable commodity – the tragic human interest cause, then how can you expect the people behind the format to have anyone else but their own best interests at heart. It also raises the question of how many people come through the X-Factor car wash unscathed.

If there was ever any doubt that of the proliferation of vacuous and pointless media, it is contained herein – The Laura White TRAGEDY – as the encyclopaedic mind of Goodwin69, the syntax challenged wordsmith of the forum, reminds us: ” I am disgusted at what happened last night laura was miles better than ruth ive been a fan since it sarted ive been to all the tours but not any more simon voted ruth out for one reason only which is so unfair.”