Santa’s science secret

BY Sven R. Houston

Every year millions of children ask the same question: Just how does Santa do it? Well the answer may be less magical, and more scientific than you think.

According to American professor Larry Silverberg, Santa Claus delivers presents to every child in the world on Christmas Eve by simply exploiting the ‘space-time continuum’. By using loopholes in time he can stretch time itself and therefore what seems like one night to us, is actually six months worth of time for Santa himself.

“In our reference frame it appears as though he does it in the wink of an eye and in fact there have been sightings of Santa, quick sightings, and that’s in our reference frame, but in Santa’s reference frame he really has six months,” Silverberg told Reuters.

Santa - a time stretcher. Photo from
Santa - a time stretcher. Photo from

Larry Silverberg, a professor of mechanical aerospace engineering at North Carolina State claims Santa does his job by utilizing advanced scientific technology, as opposed to sheer magic as once thought.

“He understands that space stretches, he understands that you can stretch time, compress space and therefore he can, in a sense, actually have six Santa months to deliver the presents,” Silverberg said.

That may explain his timekeeping tricks, but how does he fit all those presents into his sleigh? According to Silverberg, he doesn’t. Instead he uses ‘nanotechnology’ that enables him to use items such as candy canes to grow presents in a ‘reversal process’.

“He puts them under the tree and actually grows them in a reverse process to create the presents, wrapping and all,” he said.

Silverberg also revealed that Rudolph and the other reindeer are genetically bred to fly and that Santa receives radar signals that indicate which girls and boy’s have been behaving all year.

“We believe, that there are large antennas miles long under the snow up at the North Pole and we think the grid-spacing is in the order of millimetres so that you can receive radar-type signals,” said Silverberg.

Santa around the world..

Despite being able to stretch time and grow presents, Santa still can’t escape those dreaded parking wardens.

A warden in Brooklyn, New York decided to put a damper on Santa’s spirits by fining him $115 for double parking whilst he was handing out presents on a horse-drawn carriage.

Chip Cafiero says he’ll challenge the fine given to his SUV, which he claims wasn’t blocking traffic.

Meanwhile Christmas cheer appears to be lost on rival Santa gangs in America, where fierce arguments have broken out on their online internet forums.

Online forum ElfNet, used by Santa’s to purchase and discuss their suits, has become the centre of controversy after one member was accused of ‘unethical behaviour’ for taking $25,000 in booking fee’s for over two hundred fellow Santa’s.

The fighting is between rivals gangs the Fraternal Order and The Red Suit Society. The row has been ongoing for the past year, with members gate crashing rival events and websites being forced to close down.